Oreos and vaginas

I'm rolling my eyes right out of their sockets over advertisers trying to create imaginary milestones to sell a product. Case in point: Oreo cookies. I never sat down with my father and bonded over an Oreo race, in which the winner is the one who sucks the marrow first from the disassembled cookie. When did this become an activity of any kind? Oreo racing?
People need to get out more.
I think I had a similar reaction to a commercial where a mother and her teen daughter exchanged knowing looks, while cheerfully discussing vaginal dryness. I don't want to sound all Catholic here, but aren't teens supposed to suffer in silence? Something has got to fuel all that brooding -- and bonding over Nabisco treats (as well as birth-canal dust) just seems wrong.
So, back to the cookies. Did you know there's a site that's trying like hell to promote Oreo cookie racing, like it's a trend that's just dying to catch on? http://www.nabiscoworld.com/oreo/dsrl/
Now, I don't want to contribute to this lame-ass, invented past-time, but since you can find websites that show people and animals getting it on, (so I've heard ;-) I figure why not offer up this freak show. I'm sorry, but this is a monumental loser-magnet. Gentlemen, if you're in any way involved in this "sport" you better get the hell out of your mom's basement. Or, get on with the business of serial-killing, coz you're never gonna wake up next to a good woman. At least not one that doesn't need to be inflated.

What the heck happened to you Oreo? Was it jealousy? Was the Fig Newton just too regal? Were you eclipsed by the Nilla Wafer? When did you lose your self respect?
When I was a kid, Oreos were the best thing ever. I could carry my Johnny Quest lunch box with pride, knowing that I had a stash of Oreos. Tucked all cozy between my soon-to-be-broken glass and metal Thermos, A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, eagerly awaiting my barbecue potato chips (which were best placed inside the sandwich for texture) and a trusty Space Food Stick. That could have been my last meal on earth and I knew I could die happy.
All I can say, Mr. Oreo Cookie, is you've lost your edge. What's with all the new flavors and versions of a cookie that was already getting laid eight days a week? If you don't believe me, ask any pot smoker out there -- Oreos were like heroin after a few bong hits... These damn cookies were getting more action than Captain Kirk on Rigel 7, and you're screwing it up!

Tainting your image with such cheap antics is a sure indication the terrorists have won. This is end-of-days, sign of the apocalypse, kind of stuff.
I'm so confused and distraught that I think I just peed a little.

Look, there are few things that I'm really sure of:
One, Dolly Parton sleeps on her back.
Two, Elizabeth Montgomery was one of the sexiest TV moms ever, and,
Oreos were fine the way they were, you imbeciles!
It's not cool what you're doing, Nabisco.
You're jacking with tradition.
With America.
It's not right.
It's not kosher ...
No.
It's not Keeblarian....